


to binge.

by layuh



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Aftermath, Anger, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Irondad, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Shippy, One Shot, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Short, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Lives, intended lowercase, spiderson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:15:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23168356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/layuh/pseuds/layuh
Summary: i'm caught again in the mystery.you're by my side,but are you still with me?the answer's somewhere deep in iti'm sorry, but you're feeling it,but i just have to tell youthat i love you so much.
Relationships: Morgan Stark (mentioned) - Relationship, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	to binge.

**Author's Note:**

> jesus, i have not posted on here! good to be back <3 the song in the title and summary is to binge by gorillaz.

sometimes, peter still thinks he's dead.

nothing ever feels real.

not the five years he missed, not tony's prosthetic arm, not tony's _daughter_ , nothing felt real to peter benjamin parker as he hugged himself into the corner of an undoubtedly expensive couch in the living room of his mentor's cabin.

tony had thankfully made a full recovery, with the exception of everyone having to constantly remind him (or force him) to take his medication everyday. peter kept his distance- not just from tony, but from everyone, if he was being honest.

it didn't feel real, _he_ didn't feel real.

then tony invited him to stay at his lakeside cabin for the weekend, which didn't feel real either.

peter met morgan, her brown locks falling to her shoulders in small, carefully combed waves, deep brown eyes that would crinkle as she smiled a blinding smile, bubbly and mischievous. she was the perfect mix of her parents.

she was like her mother, she knew what she wanted and when she wanted it, upfront and honest, incredibly persuasive, and sickeningly sweet.

she was like her father, wickedly clever, extremely passionate, caring, and had enough sass to drive her parents' up the walls.

when peter met her, he wanted to cry. she had smiled at him and tugged the sleeve of his hoodie to show him her room that just recently got painted her favorite color, a soft orange.

~~orange like titan~~

peter had choked on his words, laughing nervously every five seconds, and dug his nails into his palms so hard he created a set of red little marks.

just when he thought his social skills were improving, he manages to be nervous while conversing with a five year old.

he wasn't _jealous_ , per se, just still processing.

he'd just come back from the dead _,_ adjusting to life was already hard, but with a father figure who'd just literally invented time travel and _lost a fucking arm for him_ , along with his new five year old daughter who thought he was her big brother- it was more than a little hard.

he shivered, curling in on himself further as he stared out of the window next to him, the moonlight shone in, creating a soft glow onto him. there was countless stars-nothing like the city. back in his old apartment, he used to climb to the roof on his many sleepless nights and stare at the polluted sky, lost and alone. those moments didn't feel real either.

he craned his neck to check the clock. the numbers _2:43AM_ stared back at him unwavering.

peter glared at the numbers as if it would make them disappear. he sighed, turning his head back. he should be in bed by now, but he hasn't been able to sleep for a while. 

tony had kept a bedroom for him.

he hung up posters for him, put in a large bed with comforters and fresh sheets. the dust lining the desk placed in the corner made peter wonder just _how long_ tony had reserved a bedroom for him, but he ended up not questioning it.

avoiding talking about what happened seemed to be the only thing peter knew how to do lately.

it was so silent at the cabin. it was nothing like the city. the city was loud and booming with life, even at this hour peter would be hearing horns honking, people laughing, and the apartments above him rattling.

now, there was nothing but a few crickets. the silence was deafening. it left him alone with his thoughts.

it left him alone with his fingers disintegrating into dust, floating away and swirling around him tauntingly, it left him alone with panicked and frantic ~~_"i dont feel so good"_~~ _s_ and breathy ~~_"i dont wanna go"_~~ _s,_ it left him alone with mumbled false reassurances and tight hands gripping him close, it left him alone with tony's worried face and teary eyes being the last images imprinted into his mind before there was nothing.

peter's eyes were wide as he gripped his sweatpants in his fist, ruffling his other hand through his hair nervously. god, breathing was starting to become hard. 

his thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a door clicking behind him. he whipped his head around, his senses driving him crazy on edge as he breathed hard and heavy through his tightly clenched teeth and watched for movement with wide eyes.

a very frazzled tony stark speed walks into peter's vision and seems to visibly relax as soon as he spots him on the couch. tony lets out a short breath as he walks quickly to him, almost tripping over his feet in a hurry. 

peter watches cautiously as he sits down next to him and immediately pulls peter into a bone crushing hug. peter tenses, still on edge and panicked. 

"i-you weren't in you room and i just-you...you're here. okay, it's fine. wow." tony breathes out quickly, pulling peter even closer.

the displays of affection from tony didn't feel real either, fatherhood really had softened him. the amount of hugs he's gotten from tony already just within one weekend was insane.

peter would've appreciated it if he didn't feel like he was still fucking dead.

peter shifted uncomfortably, feeling out of place and panicky, like his lungs were about to disintegrate.

tony must have noticed his tension because he slowly unwrapped his arms and sat peter up straight to look at him.

the teenager stared at his mentor with wide, terrified eyes, breaths coming out through his mouth in little puffs. he felt like the room was closing in on him and it was going to crush him into dust. 

tony's expression morphed into something soft and concerned, gentle and sweet.

something unreal.

"oh, peter." he coos in the softest voice peter had ever heard him talk in.

and the dam _breaks_

but not in the way peter or tony had thought it would. they both expected peter to just easily open up and express his fear and sadness.

instead of the sadness they had prepared for, a wave of anger jolted through peter's veins. he sucked in a breath before shoving tony off of him and standing abruptly, glaring down at the older man.

tony had just raised his eyebrows and blinked in surprise, clearly confused. 

the anger that peter felt just seemed to grow and grow by the second into incomprehensible rage. peter's fingers curled angrily, his breathing made him feel like he was going to pass out, his mind was screaming at him, and his vision was blurring.

"why are you just acting like this is just normal?" peter spat venomously. tony looked taken aback for a few seconds before standing up and approaching peter slowly. he reached his arm out to his shoulder and peter was quick to shrug it off and step back.

a flash of hurt was etched into tony's facial features as he opened his mouth to respond, but before he could, peter stepped in with a dry and bitter chuckle.

"you have this _nice little family_ now on this _nice little cabin ,_ and apparently you have a _perfect fucking life_ now too!" his voice was beginning to gain volume, but peter was too angry to care.

''you're acting like this is so normal! i found out you had a daughter and met her within the same hour you randomly sprung the fact that you even _have_ a daughter onto me! i was gone for five fucking years you cannot expect me to just be... just be _okay_ with that!" peter hissed loudly.

peter didn't even want to look at tony's reaction to his words so instead he clenched his fists into his hair, yanking his curls and placing his forehead against the nearest wall, breathing hard. 

he saw tony stand by him from the corner of his eye, clearly trying to give him space, but also trying to fight off the urge to comfort him.

after a few moments of peter's hard breathing being the only thing in hearing distance for either of them, peter whipped his head up, glaring at tony.

it was so quiet, it was too quiet. tony fucking stark, of all people didn't even know what to say.

this only angered peter further as he let out a groan, smacking the wall before turning on his heel and walking fast to the door. peter felt tears burning in his eye, but he clenched his teeth and blinked them away, stomping out of the door without closing it behind him.

he heard tony calling after him, following and gently, _oh so fucking gently,_ shutting the door behind him as he followed peter into the darkness of all the nature surrounding the peaceful cabin.

peter was stomping with his bare feet against the cold grass, getting poked by a broken pine cone piece every now and then, but peter didn't care.

the boy stopped abruptly at one point, listening as tony ran after him. he stopped next to the younger boy, panting. "peter, you can't just-" he breathed exasperatedly, but was cut off.

"why the _fuck_ is it so quiet?" peter all but screamed. tears started to tease his bottom eyelashes and at this point, he did not give a shit.

he was so tired. tired of everyone pretending this was normal, tired of constantly looking over his shoulder, tired of being scared of snaps, he was so _tired_.

peter gulped in a huge breath of air before letting it out in a gut wrenching scream.

he screamed at the world, at thanos, at the five years he missed, at the memories that would really just never go away, and more importantly, at himself.

he screamed until his throat was raw, screamed until the tears he tried to keep at bay were spilling down his cheeks, screamed until he fell onto his knees, crunching the leaves, and screamed until it resided into broken sobs.

tony sat down next to him with a grunt. he quietly opened his arms, a silent offer peter immediately took. he let himself fall into his arms and bury his face into his mentor's sleep shirt.

his sobs were muffled by tony's chest as he gripped onto tony for dear life like he was dying all over again. god, it felt like he was.

tony's arms tightened around him as he pressed a kiss into peter's curls, whispering soft reassurances. "it's okay, pete. you're okay. shh, just come back to me." his voice was soothing and it made the guilt in peter's stomach expand even more. he couldn't believe he just took his anger out on tony. 

"i'm sorry." peter sniffled into his chest. "i'm so sorry, i didn't..didn't mean it." he choked on his words, not being able to form proper sentences.

"hey, it's okay, it's okay.'' tony reassured. he sighed deeply. "i'm sorry, pete. i just..." he let out a breathy chuckle. "hey, you wanna know the first thought that ran through my head the first time i held morgan?" peter sat up just enough to wipe his tears, but still being able to be held.

"what?" he sniffled. "i thought to myself, 'i can't wait until peter meets her.' like i just forgot for five seconds that you were....you were gone because i wanted my _kids_ to meet so desperately." he laughed bitterly.

peter's heart clenched painfully, but he stayed silent as tony continued. "i waited so long to get you back that when i did, i'd basically already made this imaginary list of the things i wanted to do with you that i instantly sprung into getting those dreams fulfilled." tony admits.

he pulls away just enough so he can look peter in the eyes. "checking up on you and making sure you were okay should have been the first things on that imaginary list and i'm so, _so_ sorry it wasn't."

peter felt his eyes watering again. "tony, it's okay. it's not your fault at all." he croaked quietly. "i'm sorry for exploding on you, i'm not angry at you, i'm just angry at the universe, and...and just angry at myself for not being able to adjust as well as everyone else. it feels like everyone's already returned to normal life and i'm just stuck in the past, y'know?" peter sniffled, wiping his eye with his hoodie sleeve.

tony pulled peter in his side and laid the two of them against a tree stump as they both looked up to the stars, peter's head laying comfortably on tony's chest as tony raked his fingers through peter's hair.

"no one's leaving you behind, you hear me? especially not me. ever. no matter what you do, i'll be in your corner, peter. i really hope you know that." he says quietly.

peter leans into his chest further. "i love you." he whispers through a yawn, clearly exhausted. tony smiles bright, his heart swelling from how much affection he feels for this damn kid. "i love you too, pete."

it's real when tony carefully scoops up a sleeping peter bridal style around half an hour later, it's real when he gently places him into his bed, pulling the blankets over him, it's real when he pushes his curls back to kiss his forehead, and it's most definitely real when tony tells him he loves him.

slowly, but surely, peter starts to feel a little more alive.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are much appreciated! :)


End file.
